I could have been a Mass shooter

If I had access to a gun when I was growing up I could have become a mass shooter. I’ve never told anyone the story I’m about to share with the world, and anyone that knows me today you’d have a hard time believing. However, like almost every other person that’s ever lived, when I was a teenager I was a completely different person from who am today.

I was a young, bright, quiet, extremely shy and very reserved boy that kept mostly to myself. I didn’t have a bad childhood. I had a roof over my head, food to eat, proper clothes to wear, and sent to a good school to receive a good education.

But my childhood wasn’t luxurious either. I didn’t have a Super Nintendo or Gameboy (I went by my neighbour to play on his) or the popular sneaker, or fancy clothes. But that didn’t bother me. I was never a materialistic person.

Like most Caribbean parents, my parents employed capital punishment, and oftentimes I felt that their punishments were excessive. Usually my father would be the one administering the punishment, while my mother was often the one requesting that he punish us. And like any Caribbean child, when I was very young I had a level of fear towards my parents.

But as I progressed through my teenage years that fear evolved into feelings of anger and betrayal. And like nearly every teen in the world I started to lash out. This had the effect of causing my parents to constantly and repeatedly accuse and ask me if I was on drugs, only adding to my frustration. Drugs have never been something that interested me, nor have I ever been curious about.

My relationship with my parents deteriorated significantly at the time. Due to my reserved nature I was never as close to my siblings, family or even friends, as most other people. I spent much of my young life feeling alone, isolated, and angry.

This situation was significantly compounded during my early high school years. From almost the very beginning of First Form, three boys in my class began picking on and bullying me. They took pleasure in tormenting me, the scrawny, nerdy kid, and made my first two years of high school hell.

Then in Second Form I got what I considered to be the teacher from hell. A teacher that dressed provocatively, but had a nasty attitude, was quick to pick on and punish students, and in my opinion didn’t know her subject matter very well and wasn’t a very good teacher.

My resentment and dislike towards this teacher grew daily. It was at this point, with feelings of anger and isolation, frustration at home and at school, minced with volatile teenage hormones and emotions, that thoughts of violent acts began to manifest. I began to fantasize about what type of revenge I could take out on my persecutors. How could I make them suffer for making me suffer?

And one extremely shocking thought began to play over and over in my head almost every day. I began to imagine myself sitting at the back of the class and pulling a handgun from my bag to dispatch the teacher I had come to “hate”, and the boys that constantly bullied me. And every time I thought about it the more I wanted to do it.

I do not know if, given the opportunity, I would have had the guts to do such a horrid act. I was a different person then, immature and filled with anger and rage. I really don’t know if I was truly capable of such but push anyone too far and they are capable of anything. And at the time I felt very pushed.

It is for this reason that I am very happy that I never had access to such a weapon, and never had the opportunity to act out such violent tendencies.

Back in high school my situation eventually diffused. The teacher I disliked so much left after one year. In higher forms students were split into different classes and the main bully was no longer in my class. I began to develop self confidence and learnt to control my rage.

Fast forward to present I have a pretty good relationship with both parents. I hardly ever feel any anger or rage at all. I have a lot of self confidence and have become outgoing and assertive. One of the bullies from school even became a good friend of mine since then.

I consider myself to be very peaceful and non-violent, in thoughts and action. I have a very good career, I’m well respected by my peers, and belong to an organization that allows me to give back to my community. I feel very accomplished. But all of that could have been very different if during my young and impressionable years I had access to a device designed solely to Kill.

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GStedman

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